Slip sliding away

Hi there, I just wanted to post some of my feelings and thoughts about how things have been going with me. 

I have slowly developed (only been dx since Sept'07) some kind of non caring, non compliant, I don't give a rats bu tt attitude. This basically started around xmas time, but I am having one heck of a time shaking it, he ll, I can't shake it at all. 

I was going full bore, doing great! My latest A1C is 6.0 but omg, my next one is going to be a doozey. I have been eating bread, potatoes, crackers.. almost anything goes. I generally still manage to keep to sugar free pop but last night was too lazy (tired all the time again, high bs numbers) to "walk down the stairs" to the store! Yes, I live above a convenience store and I was too lazy to go and grab a Fresca so slammed down a regular can of coke, after of course, 2 bowls of ice cream, 2 hours pp, 13.9 (250)!!

My mental state is diminishing as quickly as my numbers rise, feeling guilt, self hatred and generally feeling that I can't get control of this. Has this finally just hit me? That Ireally am Diabetic? It is progressive and at the same time completely up to me to control? I CAN'T HANDLE THIS MUCH CONTROL OVER MYSELF. I REALLY CAN NOT!

I read threads and posts of other members who have been dealing with this for time immemorial and I am in awe of the self control, the hard work and the effort put into remaining healthy. I read threads and posts of newer members and am in awe at their enthusiasm, their questions and searching for knowledge.

I am exhausted by this game. I hate it. I have had it with playing. 

4 months. A mere drop in time. 

and yes, I have drawn deeply from the cool waters of kwiturbit-chin , but I really do feel down Sorry if this has offended anyone

Cass

In a bad funk that I can't shake

This is going to be short as I am in such a bad funk that even sitting here typing is almost impossible. 

I am not sure why I have been going downhill/backsliding so much in the past few weeks, but I have not been able to control it anymore. I have weaned my Seroqueol down from 800mg last summer to 100mg now. Perhaps this is it, but without the weaning, I was an eating machine. This is what I think is one of the causes of the Diabetes.

As for the Diabetes, I have not being complient in my eating habits since around Christmas. I am eating carbs like there is no problem, tonight I just ate a HUGE bowl of icecream, my reading is 10.5/mmol or 189! I feel like crap and that will earn me a low in the morning, (I hope) as my body will overcorrect for it. I haven't even hardly been taking my BS readings as I know they are going to be hellish and I don't want to have to show the doctor this. 

I am also gaining back the 25lbs I already fought to lose, that is also affecting my mood. 

I just had a thought, perhaps the funk might be related to the high BS? (going to google this right now, brb) ok, back now and sure enought high or low blood sugars do mess with your mood so the kick in the pants is needed now!

Well sorry there isn't much here as I am ready for bed, bed meds have kicked in and I am seeing in triplicate.

as always, Cass

Depression and other issues

I have been dx as clinically depressed for about 28 years now. I have been on so many medications that help for a bit, then as they meld into my body, their function becomes less effective and sometimes absolutely go against it, too. 

I also have been dx with numerous other "lables" including, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), anxiety, BPD (borderline personality disorder) (I always wonder about this one, does it mean I don't really have a personality??!? or that the one I have is just...almost there?? or that I am a foul and evil creature put here (by the aliens, of course) that has NO personality at all??! or, as I think it really means, it that for whatever reason my personality never developed as a normal one would. OK, this just sounds insane... so does it mean that then? OCD with perfectionism, I am a germophobe, I have agoraphobia, and the list goes on. 

There have been studies that are ongoing as to perhaps certain medical problems while young lead to the whole Serotonin uptake problems. Mine was a Staph infection, perhaps Measles, Mumps, Chickenpox, the usual kiddie illnesses of the time. 

I take one big pile of meds in a day which while taking them I am considered "normal", if I miss them, I know I am getting out of control in a very short amount of time. 

In the mornings I take... 60mg Celexa (depression and anxiety), Clonazepam 2mg, anxiety, Seroquel 50mg (known to cause Diabetes and then also to contribute to high blood sugars while still in use, also causes massive weight gain, 100lbs for me)this one is for OCD and depression+anxiety, it is also prescribed for Schizophrenia, which amazingly enough, I don't have. I have successfully weaned myself from 800mg/day of this to 100mg/day, just had a Psych meeting yesterday and he recommends I stay with that number, so I fight the BS #s all the time. Then added to this mess are my "body" pills which include, 500mg Metformin, 40mgLipitor, (cholesterol) Accuretic 20/25mg (high blood pressure). 

Then comes lunch, lucky break here, just 2mg Clonazepam. 

By this time I usually need a nap, I am indeed in some kind of drug induced haze... I don't drive in the afternoons, which is just fine for me because I don't like to go out anyhow. I screen phone calls all day, deciding if I "feel" like talking to my friends/family at all. This has been a newer thing for me, I am slowly back sliding into the depths of this, not wanting contact with pretty much anyone. Which is why I come here.

Suppertime, 2mg Clonazepam, 50mg Seroquel, food and then sometimes, more sleep. 

I then awaken to try and spend some time with my son. If I am having a good day and manage to not sleep at all, these are great days, good moods and wonderful times. (sounds a little Bi-polar to me, which I was previously dx'd with, but they decided maybe not)

Bedtime then, whether I nap or not, without medication I do NOT sleep at night. I have always been a night owl. I chose my trade based on this (Baker) as I can be up and working at 1, 2 or3AM without a problem. So, bedtime meds... Zopiclone 15mg (highest recommended dose) used for getting to sleep aka Imovane or in the States, Lunesta and Trazodone 100mgsedative and anti depressant. This one is also supposed to keep me asleep once the Zopiclone gets me there. 

When I take these meds, I am down and out for at least 5 hours, which for me is a long time. Most people get 8 hours but my body is, as usual, getting used to these as well. I have been taking this pairing for about 3 years. I sleep so hard that anything could happen around me and I will not wake up. Sometimes I am too scared to take them at all and will just "run a night shift" when I end up playing WoW online, watching tv trying to sleep or do some cleaning. 

So, in closing I guess, I have been suffering clinical depression for so long that I really do not know what anything else feels like. I don't think I became any more so when dx with the D (in Sept'07) or perhaps that is why I am in such a funk now. Oh yeah! I also am affected by SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and am in the midst of a good case of that right now. I cannot wait for the sun to shine again! 

I consider myself a functioning prescription addict but when I discuss this with my PsychDoc he says I am working towards getting better so for the now to just continue with the way things are. It was my choice to eliminate the Seroquel, he is proud of me for that. Once that one is gone, I am going after the Clonazepam, being it is a benzodiazipine, I want off it, too. 

Without these medications, I don't think at this point I would be functioning at all. They are as much a part of my makeup as my D is, the high blood pressure or any of the other things I need/have to take. I am not unintelligent, flailing along or a complete drain on the system (I do work, although not at baking at the moment). Sometimes I am embarrassed by this. Most of the time in fact, which is why a forum like this makes it easy to just be me. I don't have to "act in a certain way" be embarrassed about my "inadequacies" or behave in a certain manner to fit in. 

I am just me.

CassFullOfMeds

Re-Arranging the Furniture and how I hate it so! Accck!

I am very much a creature of habit. I like things to stay the same (in certain cases, heck, in most cases). I like to be at home. When I am not home I am thinking about how nice it is going to be to be home. I suffer from agoraphobia.

I do not rearrange my furniture. I used to do it, but stopped...I blame this on the OCD and knowing where everything is so if I care to stumble out in the darkness of night I can maneuver my way to the couch, computer, kitchen or bathroom without a light on. Lights on irritate me. (omgosh I sound pretty strange the farther I go with this)

So, last Monday I took down my Christmas tree and packed up another year of memories. My daughter had suggested to me that "perhaps you should move your kitchen/dining table over to the window where the tree was?" , of course I balked! (she usually doesn't even talk such trash to me any more!) 

As the boxes were put away, the vacuuming done... there was of course this "hole" left by the tree that really could handle the table and it would/might be nice to sit by the window with my morning coffee?! So I did it. I had to take it in baby steps with first the table, then a sit on the couch to view it and stop being irritated. Then one chair, the couch sitting and so on. Hmmmm, this actually looked pretty darn good! It also freed up a lot of space in the centre of the room which was a good thing. I carry on with general cleaning all the time glancing at the table and getting more acquainted with the change. 

All is good, I love it there... it is now Wednesday. Lovely daughter pops in and comments on the "love" in the room and we have a quick talk about her moving at the end of the month and I now have a couple of empty boxes for her, pointed them out and now she mentions "if those boxes are gone, you could move the computer desk over there, move the "kitchen dresser" (an antique dresser I have spices and kitchen stuff in) over to where the computer was" and just pretty much change everything! OMG, she has lost it,I figure. 

I go run a couple of errands which takes less than an hour, I come home and strangely... the two boxes are on my front porch. WTH? I think? I open the door and step in... I swear to someone else's apartment! The boxes are indeed gone, the dresser is over where the comp desk was, the comp is moved, plugged in and set up, vacuum is out and everything is cleaned up, daughter, son in law and grandkids are all sitting around looking proud as punch, smiling like some sneaky foxes. She had told me they were going to do their own errands, I did not think this included MY home! I am in shock! It does look better, freed up some more walking space and generally has a better "chi" than before. (I will not admit this to them, yet) 

I was so stressed out by this I barely slept last night... I had to get up and check it out over and over (OCD, anyone??) As I sit here now writing this my back is to the TV, so I can't compute and TV at the same time, ackkkk! This has messed up my morning routine, heavily.   

In order to see if I can actually handle it, I am going to leave it like this for a few days. I am chomping at the bit to change it back. I am having anxiety over this like it is a real problem when in fact it is just daily living. 

 OK, I am strange indeed. I should be able to handle this like a "normal" person, but OMG I am losing it. Change is "normal" I am told. "Change" is good I am told.  

Sheeeesh! God help me get through this and leave things in this new way, because it really is just: A good Thing.

Just had to rant, vent, rave on like a lunatic. Thanks for giving me the place to do it!

CrazyAsAFoxCass

Well, I am going to have to go back in time a bit to a rather serious decline in my health which started when I had the chance to have the money to eat "better foods" which were not better at all but were full of Carbs, sugars and any other time bomb ingredients for me. 

Now this is not going to be about Low Carbing per se, but my take on it, how it has helped my blood sugars (bs) and how I have been losing weight, feeling better and although this sounds pretty silly, how this has been the best thing to happen to me in years. It has been my kick in the pants that I have needed for such a long time. It has forced me to give a damn about my body, health and of course deal with the other mental health issues I have been fighting for years. 

So with this as a quick rundown, let the blogging begin.