Slip sliding away

Hi there, I just wanted to post some of my feelings and thoughts about how things have been going with me. 

I have slowly developed (only been dx since Sept'07) some kind of non caring, non compliant, I don't give a rats bu tt attitude. This basically started around xmas time, but I am having one heck of a time shaking it, he ll, I can't shake it at all. 

I was going full bore, doing great! My latest A1C is 6.0 but omg, my next one is going to be a doozey. I have been eating bread, potatoes, crackers.. almost anything goes. I generally still manage to keep to sugar free pop but last night was too lazy (tired all the time again, high bs numbers) to "walk down the stairs" to the store! Yes, I live above a convenience store and I was too lazy to go and grab a Fresca so slammed down a regular can of coke, after of course, 2 bowls of ice cream, 2 hours pp, 13.9 (250)!!

My mental state is diminishing as quickly as my numbers rise, feeling guilt, self hatred and generally feeling that I can't get control of this. Has this finally just hit me? That Ireally am Diabetic? It is progressive and at the same time completely up to me to control? I CAN'T HANDLE THIS MUCH CONTROL OVER MYSELF. I REALLY CAN NOT!

I read threads and posts of other members who have been dealing with this for time immemorial and I am in awe of the self control, the hard work and the effort put into remaining healthy. I read threads and posts of newer members and am in awe at their enthusiasm, their questions and searching for knowledge.

I am exhausted by this game. I hate it. I have had it with playing. 

4 months. A mere drop in time. 

and yes, I have drawn deeply from the cool waters of kwiturbit-chin , but I really do feel down Sorry if this has offended anyone

Cass